Six Ways to Maintain Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays

Whether you celebrate any major holidays or not, the time between November 1 and January 1 can be stressful. Kids are off from school, holiday celebrations are underway, the weather is darker and gloomier–there’s a lot going on.

For many, this time of year can also be stressful due to social obligations and familial expectations. It’s easy to get pulled into a million directions and feel stretched thin and worn out by the time the New Year rolls around. 

Maintaining healthy boundaries during this time is important to prevent burnout, fatigue, and, if you have kids, meltdowns.

Here Are Six Tips to Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries–and Your Sanity:

1. Clarify your values. Identify what’s important to you and your family. Is it generosity? Togetherness? Compassion? Knowing what threads bind your family together can help you with the next step. 
2. Set your priorities. Use the values identified in step 1 to determine what your priorities will be for the coming months. If generosity is an important value – plan some time to shop for gifts together. If it’s togetherness – plan multiple evenings at home with one another. And if it’s compassion – set a date to volunteer as a family. Once you’ve set your priorities, it is easier to say “no” or “not right now” to things that don’t align with them. 
3. Be prepared with a script/language. Setting a boundary can be challenging. It may not feel “good.” Having a script can make it easier to say “no,” and possibly re-assert your “no.” Boundaries are statements of what we will or won’t accept. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and like you need the “perfect” language. Here are some examples: “Thank you for inviting us, but we will not be attending your holiday party/dinner/celebration.” “Thank you, but we have other plans.” “I have asked you not to give Sarah any more cookies today. If you continue to give Sarah cookies, we will leave.” “No.“
4. Be a broken record. Remember, you do not need to justify your “No.” It’s a complete sentence. Using the broken record technique, you calmly and assertively repeat the same message three times – “We will not be attending your holiday celebration” – regardless of how the other person responds. 
5. Ease into tough conversations. Sometimes boundaries aren’t about time. Sometimes these boundaries are physical space boundaries, emotional boundaries, or gift-giving boundaries. Be curious and open when approaching the person you wish to set a boundary with. Most of the time, we are not setting boundaries because we want to damage relationships – we are doing it for the opposite reason – to continue and improve them! Keeping the relationship at the forefront of conversations helps us be less judgmental and ask for the support we want. 
6. Practice post-boundary self-care. Setting boundaries can be exhausting. It is serious emotional work! You may also feel sad, embarrassed, or anxious about saying “no,” or leaving a celebration early to maintain your boundary. You may need to rest – do that. Give yourself a chance to reset. If you know you will have to set/maintain boundaries a lot while with family/friends this holiday season, plan for the next day to be a self-care or do-nothing day for yourself.

Hopefully these tips can give you a jump-start on a happy, healthy celebration season!

Brittany Talley, MA, LCPC, LPC, RPT-S has experience providing individual counseling for children, teens and young adults.  She has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Guidance from the University of Missouri – Kansas City and a Play Therapy Certification from Mid-America Nazarene University. As a Play Therapist, she believes that PLAY is for everyone and loves incorporating play therapy techniques into her sessions with clients of all ages. Brittany partners with parents and families on each child’s journey to help provide tools for success. She is also an enthusiastic advocate for children/adolescents of color in their explorations of race, privilege, representation, and identity.